VDIF Classic: The Defamation Edition

Dear VDIFers. As I've noted previously, some weeks we will feature classic VDIFs from the past! (Read: I was either too tired, too busy, too boring, or too lacking in the creativity to provide new content for you today.)

So in the spirit of bringing you some of the best VDIF has to offer, this is VDIF: The Defamation Edition, originally emailed on Friday, October 19, 2007. Note that this was written before the best movie of all time, JCVD, was released. If you haven't seen (and really, why would you be reading this site if you hadn't), go see it now! (Also note that I haven't read Slate since this article came out, because they are lame to publish such filth.)

I was so excited. Really, I was. Slate, one of my favorite websites, posted an article ostensibly celebrating our hero's 47th birthday. (It was yesterday, for the one or two of you who didn't already know.) With great anticipation I clicked on the link and started reading, only to find a tongue-in-cheek defamatory mockery of our hero. So while I hate to waste valuable VDIF space with such negative energy, I feel that I must devote this edition to defending Mr. Van Damme's good, made up, name.

"Jean-Claude's other limitation, however, has turned out to be impossible to overcome: He can't act. If that sounds judgmental, then I suggest you watch Universal Soldier"

Yes. I do think it sounds judgmental, because it is. Who are you to judge anyone, article writer Grady Hendrix??? Your acting credits include, oh let's see...nothing???

"But he's managed to do a lot with a little. Jean-Claude has three expressions: worried, charming, and doing a split. Of the three, doing a split is the most convincing. Getting crucified in Cyborg? Worried. Disposing of a bomb that could blow up a sacred Muslim shrine and start a jihad in The Order? Really worried. Meeting a spunky lady reporter in any number of movies? Charming. Confronting the hitmen who killed his wife? Do a split. "

Just plain wrong. I mean, sure he can do all three expressions listed, but he can do many more as well.

For example:

Smarmy.

Sad.

Quizzical.

Goofy.

Confused.

White.

Stoned.

And, of course...

Jewish.

"He snorted a mountain of coke, he got married five times, he was caught on tape drunk and stripping on a public street. He's disarmingly frank about all this, going on talk shows and saying that he can't remember being in Hong Kong to shoot Knock Off with Rob Schneider because he was coked to the gills. He makes it seem normal."

Ok, seriously now. I defy you to find me ANYONE who has been in a movie with Rob Schneider and a) can remember it and b) wasn't coked to the gills.

"The only thing Van Damme does in his movies that isn't normal is take his clothes off. A lot. Most people don't like to see themselves naked, but Jean-Claude has made gratuitous nudity an important part of his career. Whether he's playing a serial killer, a time-traveling cop, an off-duty firefighter, a day laborer, or a member of the French Foreign Legion, he always manages to wind up in situations that require him to bare his muscular bottom. It's an impressive posterior, as firm, white, and round as two uncooked turkeys. But, like the Tree of Wisdom in the Garden of Eden, or a pole dancer at Scores, you can look but you can't touch."

You wish you had this tush, Grady.

"It's been almost 10 years since one of Jean-Claude's movies opened theatrically in America; the 13 he's released since 1998 have gone straight to video."

How many movies have you been in that opened theatrically, Grady? Oh right, NONE. Straight to video is no longer a sign of movie mediocrity it once was, especially in light of flagging cinema receipts nationwide. Jean-Claude just knows where the money is.

"But just when it looks like he's all washed up, he's embracing the greatest role of his career: himself. The movie is called J.C.V.D. in J.C.V.D., and six minutes of footage has been released on the Internet. In it, a casting session for a Jean-Claude Van Damme biopic is in progress when it's interrupted by the man himself."

You're kidding? Nobody told me about this.

"The strangest thing about this footage is that it's funny. Not funny in the way that Van Damme having a monologue with a moth in a Russian prison who turns into the ghost of his dead wife during In Hell is funny, but funny on purpose."

AWESOME!!! Funny thing is, I googled "J.C.V.D. in J.C.V.D." and despite getting 91,000 hits, I can't find any information...Except of course, these AWESOME PHOTOS!!!

We still hate you, Grady.

Remember, as our hero says: "A cookie has no spirit because it is just a cookie. But before that it was milk and eggs. And in the eggs there is a potential life."

VAN DAMME IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!